silver stars and blue asphalt

another early loss…

2010-10-25T21:53:00.002-04:00

My first beta was only 18.9 and my second beta was negative. I was prepared because I POAS every morning and I was getting BFNs by Saturday morning. So Tuesday’s beta was no surprise.

What did surprise me was my RE’s reaction. I was really expecting them to say let’s move on with another FET since I still have 4 beautiful embryos frozen. Instead they are insisting on full panel RPL and immunological testing. My WTF appointment is November 2nd to go over these. I am also going to insist that we do intralipids this time. Since this isn't a common practice (I don't think they've ever done them at my clinic) I have been finding original source studies using my university’s databases to use to convince my RE.

I was explaining intralipids to my mother and telling her about the immunological testing and she replies, “don’t you remember when you were on immunological therapy before?” Seriously! Ma, where were you when I m/c last year? or when I started seeing an RE and I asked you all sorts of questions about my medical history?! So I googled the therapy I was on before and as it turns out some RE clinics actually use that for RPL and other immunological issues dealing with implantation. Perhaps we may just be on the right track! But we’ll see what the test show. I probably won’t cycle again until January.

Don’t even ask me about my emotional state. I’m numb to the loss and I don’t really want to think about it. I don’t want to break down. I don’t want to be in a dark place. So I’d really like to ignore it and concentrate on the future. I didn’t even figure out my due date. I don’t know if I want to. Beta was so low the RE didn’t even give it to me when they called with the first results.

i think i might by ku!

2010-10-13T18:31:00.001-04:00

Do I dare believe?!

7dp5dt - FET

2010-10-12T18:57:00.001-04:00

So I’ve been pretty numb ever since my second IVF. I don’t really expect any of this to work. It’s sad how much hope I’ve lost. This cycle has been different though. I haven’t had nagging POAS dreams. I haven’t been thinking “if I’m pregnant” I’ve been thinking “I’m pregnant.” These are dangerous optimisms to have. However, I caved and POAS when I got home from work.

Do you see what I see? That is a VERY faint but pink second line. This is very exciting, but do I dare to hope it’s true?!

8dp4dt

2010-08-12T09:23:00.001-04:00

BFFN

I’m numb.

6dp4dt - POAS

2010-08-10T08:01:00.001-04:00

BFN

The “safe” thing about POAS at 10dpo is that you know it’s too early, possibly way too early, to get not just a line, but a clearly visible line. But I have to admit that my hope has diminished just a tiny, miniscule amount.

The difference between this cycle and others? Other cycles I hoped to see a BFP. Even after getting a BFP with IVF #1, I still POAS every day until beta, still nervous every morning, hoping to see that second line. This cycle? I expect to see that line. And that is DANGEROUS! I feel the way I did with my only other BFP. The symptoms are there and my temperature is slightly elevated. . . It’s not safe to expect these things. It makes the disappointment so much worse.

IVF #3 – in a nutshell

2010-08-09T21:00:00.001-04:00

Although I was not a prisoner of Lupron this cycle, I was extremely exhausted. If I wasn’t at work or fulfilling other obligations, I was sleeping. I stimmed slow and steady for 13 nights starting at 75 follistim/1 menopur, then up to 100/1, 150/1, and then back down to 75/1. I forgot how much Menopur burns if you don’t inject it slow enough. But when I got to my second box, I noticed that the saline solution was bottled by a new manufacturer. I was ecstatic to find that I could inject much quicker without the burn. Strange but true. Then the ganirelix was a mind trip for me every night. The needle’s gauge is notably thicker than the other injections and I found myself saying “one, two, three” and just plunging the needle into my leg.

At retrieval, we got 27 eggs with 21 mature. We had 18 fertilize normally. We had a 4dt and transferred two grade 1A morulas. In fact, if this isn’t a good sign, I don’t know what is – we had a 4dt on August 4th, which was our 4th wedding anniversary, AND it was our 4th embryo transfer. And good news; we have 6 frosties! yes, 6!!! I’m over the moon about this. Not only will I be able to do hopefully at least 2 FETs with these, but it’s a good indicator that the embryos I had transferred are doing well inside their mommy :)

Because of these beautiful embryos, and our frosties, I must say I have much more hope than I had ever thought possible for this cycle. Entering this cycle, I was indifferent (for lack of a better word). I was at peace that our family would be built through adoption and we were only continuing to try while saving for adoption. But now that I’ve dared myself to hope, I will be devastated if this ends in another BFN.

So tomorrow is 10dpo, when I usually start POAS. I’m terrified. Maybe I can hold off until Thursday. I don’t know what to do!!! The POAS dreams have already started. Ugh, I hate IF and this 2ww crap!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In non-IF news. . .my life is a little hectic. Dave is sick. He has some sort of viral infection. Sore throat, fever, achy, nauseous. . . so I’m trying to keep it easy while taking care of him. Oh and three dogs… oy vey! The dogs! My dearest Cathy and Mike are in Italy so we are watching their shiba inu puppy for 2 weeks. For the most part it’s fine. It’s when the two shibas get in each other’s faces that it get noisy!!! Taking three dogs out is a chore. I don’t like taking Chewie out during the 2ww anyway, just to be cautious. So I’ve been taking the puppy out and Dave and my mom, who has been coming to help, have been taking out Elphie and Chewie.

But the most stressful has been what my dad has been through this past week. Last Monday he went into the hospital with chest pressure and he was having trouble breathing. Tuesday they did an emergency cath and found 3 blockages. They did angioplasty right then and there and removed 2 of the blockages and put in 2 stints. They had trouble getting the bleeding to stop from his groin, so that worried me. The lose of blood caused his blood pressure and pulse to dip so he wasn’t able to come home from the hospital until Friday night. Just when Dave got sick. ::sigh::

I’m trying to just relax and not stress. I’m focusing on how lucky my daddy is that they caught the blockages before he had a heart attack rather than look at it as a scary, stressful thing. My mom is wound up though. I really appreciate her help around here with the dogs though. She’s taking care of my dad and taking care of me. My family is very strict about making me take it easy during the 2ww – no real chores. So my mom came over today and cleaned my kitchen and bathrooms, changed my sheets, vacuumed… my mom is amazing.

What I realized today

2010-07-05T21:42:00.001-04:00

I am in such a good place emotionally - quite possibly the best I've felt since starting IF treatments. I have to ask myself, what happend? Just a few months ago I was in the worst, most darkest place of my life. . .

After IVF#2 BFN, Dave and I decided to adopt (which had to be put on hold for financial reasons). But I came to peace with that. So when I decided that I felt strong enough to cycle again - well, it's just different. I have peace. I know that one day I WILL be a mom, I WILL have my family... if this cycle doesn't work, adoption will bring me the child I will cherish.

I think I've finally reached my siggy quote.

"Lord, I don't know where all this is going, Or how it all works out, Lead me to peace that is past understanding, A peace beyond all doubt"

I'm alive

2010-05-16T18:33:00.000-04:00

I owe my blog a huge update that I will do sometime this week!

8dp4dt

2010-03-10T07:32:00.000-05:00

BFN

i don't know how to feel.

7dp4dt

2010-03-09T19:53:00.001-05:00

I don’t know how to feel. I have had symptoms and no symptoms. I go from feeling “I’m definitely KU” to “this so didn’t work.”

My symptoms: sore boobs, exhaustion, cramps, off appetite, nausea, diarrhea, heartburn, headaches. Oh and vivid dreams. . .some sexual. I typically don’t dream.

I POAS on Monday (6dp4dt) and BFN – but no big surprise. It’s early and it was a not so reliable test. I basically did it to get it out of my system. I wasn’t planning on POAS that morning but I had had a dream that night that I had gotten a BFP.

So tomorrow morning is my designated POAS time. And I’m scared shitless. I expect 8dp4dt to be pretty accurate and if it’s negative I will be crushed.

Beta is Friday at 10dp4dt.

ahhh the 2ww

2010-03-03T12:02:00.001-05:00

I have not updated much since I’ve been on the computer so little. I’ve been quite uncomfortable (and besides, my addiction to Twilight stole me for about a week).

I started stimming on the 12th with a low dosage of 75 follistim and 1 menopur. As expected, I had little response. They have to start me extreemly low. They eventually brought me up to 150 follistim and 1 menopur (which is very high for me, but very low for most IVFs).

Two weeks later I was ready for retrieval. Friday they retrieved 32 eggs!! Holy moly! No wonder I had been uncomfortable and moody!

22 eggs were mature and 20 fertilized normally. The next day they called, they were able to mature of the other eggs and it fertilized normally so I had 21 embies growing.

Not that the embies were doing bad, but they weren’t doing the greatest so the embryologist decided to have me come in for a 4dt yesterday. We transferred 2 mortulas – 1A & 1B. He said he couldn’t ask for anything better on day 4.

Here are our babies

Now for the emotional aspect. . .I’m scared. Obviously. I want this to work. I don’t want to go through this again. I am unsure of how much more my spirit can take.

We have so many embies, and I love them all. I feel completely different about this IVF than I did for the first one. Maybe because I have experienced a miscarriage, I had experienced for the briefest moment motherhood. And now I can’t stand the thought of any of my little embies not making it. It makes me so sad.

Dear Jeanna,

2010-02-12T20:52:00.001-05:00

I want to thank you for always checking in on me. You have been through so much recently and I have followed every second of your journey. Although sometimes I did not have the words to comfort you, know that you were always in my prayers. Your entries made me weep, but I found such comfort in those moments. You handled yourself with such grace. It gives me hope, that I too will be able to handle myself that way. You are an amazing mother, and those two little boys are waiting for you.

With love,

Tara

Jeanna thinks I’m a beautiful blogger :)

2010-02-12T20:47:00.001-05:00

Thanks Jeanna for nominating me!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

- Copy the award and place it in your blog.

- Link the person who nominated you for this award.

- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

- Nominate 7 bloggers

- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

About me:

1. I was born in Atlantic City, New Jersey

2. I competed in the Junior Olympics for softball. I was a catcher and third baseman

3. I graduated with honors from WPU with degrees in both Music and Psychology. I majored on the french horn but I also play bass guitar, guitar, alto sax, string bass, and sing. I can also fake my way on a bunch of other instruments. I’m a horrific piano player.

4. I’m a dyslexic that can read. So I call it delayed temporal processing.

5. my mommom was my best friend. I still cry when i smell basil.

6. i am a harry potter nerd. I’ve read all the books multiple times. I love fantasy. LOTR . . .my new obsession: avatar. I’ve seen it 10 times in the theaters.

7. i’m obsessed with the color blue and stars – semi related: i’m currently trying to think of a design/location for my next tattoo to honor my lost little bean

Seven Bloggers that I nominate(no specific order):
1. Rachael (click here)
2. Tarah (click here)
3. Merri (click here)
4. Amanda (click here)
5. Danielle (click here)
6. Destiny (click here)

7. Kristin(click here)
I hope you all enjoy checking out these bloggers!

broken

2010-02-02T07:59:00.003-05:00

For my fellow infertiles. . .What keeps you going? What keeps away the fear? I've read that PCOS ups the risk of miscarriage to 40% within the entire first trimester. Will you ever be "comfortable" with your pregnancy?

I guess I am asking this because I'm terrified. I'm on Lupron getting ready for IVF #2. . . .and I have never been more afraid in my entire life. I don't know what i'm more afraid of, a negative or a positive. I don't know if I can keep this up. After 3+ years. . .the plan was to try 4 IVFs before calling it quits (that's what the insurance covers) but I don't think i can make it. I feel broken in more way than one now. Broken body, broken spirit.

I think it's time to pursue adoption. I want my family.

I can't shake the depression. I can't shake the feeling of inevitable failure. I am sick of being jacked up on hormones and i'm sick of gaining weight. I don't feel healthy. I've gone up almost 3 pants sizes, I'm disgusted with myself. I'm tired of living in fear.

if you left it up to me, everyday would be a holiday from real

2010-01-17T20:34:00.002-05:00

I've always loved beautiful fantasy worlds. . .and I don't know if it's because of IF and my desire to escape my hell. . .but I have an unhealthy obsession with Avatar. I want to be a Na'vi. I want to live on Pandora. After I leave the movie, my heart just aches. It's like a really book you don't want to finish. . .

Official Avatar Movie

BETA = BFFN

2009-11-27T15:56:00.000-05:00

I really have nothing else to say right now.

8dp5dt

2009-11-25T08:07:00.003-05:00

so po FRER - evap line popped up right away so i peed on another just b/c it would drive me crazy all day. evap line had disappeard after the test dried. the second test however -- a faint but visable pink line appeared. it's heavier on the bottom than on the top color wise -- i don't know what to think of this. it's kinda like one of the positive results examples on peeonastick.com but i don't know.

i know there can be a discrepency in sensitivity between tests within the brand, but can there be discrepencies within the same lot??

UGH! i think this cycle has cured my POAS obsession!

emotionally tapped out (RP)

2009-11-24T19:38:00.001-05:00

Last night, as Dave and I were going to bed, he was sweet and sincere. He told me how much he loved me and how much he admired me for doing everything I do so that we can have a family. He also said that it tears him apart to see me in so much pain – emotionally and physically. He’s praying that this FET ends in a BFP, not only for our family, but so he doesn’t have to see me go through anymore torment. I totally lost it.

This morning was 7dp5dt and another stark white BFN. I was upset, but didn’t really let it show. Yes I am upset. Yes, I know it’s still a little early. But my cramps are changing and I’m starting to think AF is on her way :( I was laying in bed (letting the crinone soak in lol) when Dave got out of the shower, and I saw him pick up the test and squint and tilt in the light. .. it broke my heart. Why can’t I make him a daddy? Why can’t I give him a family?

After he left, I lost it and continued to cry my entire commute to work. I pulled into my parking spot and pulled it together. I looked like hell, I’m really surprised no one said anything.

If this cycle is a BFN, I have to take a break. I don’t know how long. But I can’t take it. I am beyond my capacity – physically and emotionally.

If anyone can spare some hope, please throw it my way. Thanks for listening.

7dp5dt

2009-11-24T07:50:00.003-05:00

poas and still nothing :(

I'm really starting to think I'm feeling AF cramps coming along. . . this really stinks.

I just feel emotionally and physically drained by all of this. i can't take much more. Lord, give me strength, please. . .

6dp5dt

2009-11-23T07:35:00.002-05:00

nothing :( i must have been crazy yesterday.

*faith is beleiving without seeing*
please dear Lord!!!!

It's still early. I know that.

5dp5dt

2009-11-22T08:39:00.003-05:00

POAS - Earlypregnancytests.com : visable light second line (like last time)
POAS - FRER : "ghost line" I swear something is there but it's so faint and you can only kind of see it when you hold the stick a certain way.

"faith is beleiving without seeing" this is what the Lord told me today.

Symptoms -- Thursday and Friday I had major "lighting storms" going on - just like last time. I'm taking that as a good sign, probably implantation. Have had mild dull cramping most of the time since then. Some pink spotting (but usually after putting the crinone in). Boobs are ultra sensitive, mildly sore. Tired: i want to sleep by 9pm.

Dear Lord, Please, oh please let this be our sticky bean(s).

FET 11/17

2009-11-19T18:22:00.002-05:00

My lucky socks arrived Monday night, so I was all ready to go Tuesday morning! The actual transfer went relatively smoothly since they were ready with special equiptment to deal with my difficult cervix!

The first two embies they took out didn't make it :( But the second pair thrived and we transfered both! It was absolutely amazing because I could actually see my embies inside my uterus after the transfer. They looked like two beautiful glowing stars looking at me. I feel so close to them already . . . Please Lord, let this be it.

Let's Go Phillies!!!

2009-10-28T21:32:00.001-04:00

WARNING - GRAPHIC

2009-10-28T21:21:00.004-04:00

Dave and I went to the Body Worlds exhibit last week at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia for Educators' Night Out. It was incredibly fasinating and I would recommend the exhibit for anyone intersted in A&P.

I found sadness and comfort in one particular section: Embryonic/Fetal Development. Surprisingly, the sadness wasn't just for myself. It was for the lose of the lives of these babies and their mothers. I couldn't help but wonder what happend . . .why do bad things happen? But it also made me think about the baby that I lost. And that made me sad too.

The comfort I found was in the display of embryos starting at 2 weeks (conception) biweekly until 8 weeks. I was able to see what my little peanut looked like. . .my baby was real. I could have held it in my hand. You could see it without a microscope. It was real. For me it justified the pain and sorrow I felt, loosing a baby that I had so little time with.

a comforting thought

2009-10-08T20:21:00.002-04:00

on my way to work I thought:

my baby is in heaven with the Lord. they will never know pain, or illness, or sadness. they will never be exposed to the cruelity of the world. they are in the arms of the Lord, safe and loved.

emotional rollercoaster

2009-10-05T21:44:00.002-04:00

I can't beleive it has only been 5 days since I lost my baby. i was supposed to hear the heartbeat tomorrow. i can't even begin to explain the emotions. I go through moments where i'm on the verge of tears and then moments where i'm obsessed with my upcoming FET. honestly, i'm petrified of cycling again . .. but i have to be pro-active. i can't sit here and mourn what could have been. . .i need to focus on what may be.

this weekend i went to a wedding. . .only 3 days after i started beeding. i avoided my PG SIL during the cocktail hour because i was NOT getting caught into the trap of a relative coming up and ooohing over he belly and then turn to me and ask "so when are you having one?" i don't know if i would have cried or punched that person in the face. so i avoided the situation entirely. During dinner dave & BIL/SIL had a table all to ourselves and things were *great* a few drinks, few laughs. . .goodtimes. Dave and I usually spend most of the time on the dance floor . . .i didn't feel like dancing. but then the band started a billy joel song and dave wanted to dance, and BIL/SIL actually went out. . .so i went out. and I lost it. i don't know if it was just the overwhelming feeling of loud noises, flashing lights, and the abundance of happy people. . .or the fact that it was "only the good die young" and all i've had on my mind all week was my baby dying inside of me. . . i started bawling like a baby, ran out of the ballroom. Dave doesn't understand that it's ALWAYS on my mind. . . and when i start crying he asks what made me think of it. I know he's upset too. . .but it's not nagging him like it is me. He's focuses on our upcoming cycle and has hope in that. i don't know if he has closure or what. but i'm just not recovered, and i don't know if i will be anytime soon. . .

i must add that i have the best friends in the ENTIRE world... i told my college roomie about my miscarriage and she, her hubby, and two other great guy friends from college came down to see us yesterday. it mebnt so much because they are super busy with marching band this time of year. . . they are really amazing. we speant the day shopping and eating through atlantic city :) i <3 them

it's official. . .i'm miscarrying

2009-09-30T18:36:00.002-04:00

warning - TMI

painful cramps, and lots of clots and crap coming out.

i'm taking tomorrow off of work.

in good news, my IVF coordinator called today and the doctor approved me to move on right away. so she's calling me back tomorrow so we can set up our FET calender :)

I've mourned. I'm pissed at God. I still don't understand why he'd finally allow me to get pregnant and then take my miracle away so quickly. I don't think I will ever understand. But I know that it is time for me to move on and keep hope for the future.

beta hell

2009-09-26T08:01:00.000-04:00

beta 2 - not good.: "the dr calls (not the nurse so my first uh oh) and starts explaining that the measure two things for pregnancy hcg and progesterone (seriously? like i didn't know that!). then she goes on to rave how nice and high my progesterone is (well over 100). then she says my hcg fell from 62 to 32 and that indicates that 'things are not going well with the pregnancy' and that i should continue my meds and get another blood drawl on tuesday. my reply 'so i'm miscarrying?' and she again says that hcg is only 1 of 2 hormones and that the drop in hcg indicates that things aren't going well."

dave called the dr later and she said that there's an 80% chance that i am/will miscarry. the 20% is the small chance that there were twins, but there's a singleton or a test fluke. . .

BFP!!!!

2009-09-21T07:40:00.001-04:00

I googled yesterday and super faint lines on earlypregnancytests.com HPT is a common complaint....

So I POAS this moring - a FRER and ....

OMG! could this actually be happening?!

2ww sucks. . .

2009-09-19T22:54:00.002-04:00

So i POAS 5dp5dt and there was a faint line. i POAS again today at 6dp5dt. .. still a line. not darker, but not lighter either.

i know it's technically only 11dpo and it's early. But these lines are sooooooooo faint that it makes me scared to poas again. i'm waiting for it to disappear...

this cycle so far has been so incredibly perfect, i'm just waiting for the bottom to drop out. after everything we've been through, it can't be this easy.

boobs are tender, but not super sore. i'm incredibly bloated and have cramps, slightly different than AF cramps though. and i get these twinges in my lower abdomen, mostly behind my belly botton and right side around my ovary. my muscles seem sore there, but i don't know if it's because of the bloat. i feel like i'm breaking out of my skin. i need pants for school, i tried on a pair in a bigger size and they were too big. ..so i sucked it up and bought a pair of maternity pants. bitter sweet: bought a smaller size, but they have that wonderful pg belly band :) you can't deny me comfort!!!

anyway i will poas tomorrow b/c i can't help but to do so. Tuesday's my beta at 14dpER. i really hope that line darkens up....

3dp5dt

2009-09-16T19:27:00.002-04:00

my transfer was sunday and it went well - we ended up with 6 blastocysts! we transfered 2 and froze 4 :)

i've been bloating like crazy. i'm overall bloated, but i get these "bloat attacks" where out of nowhere my stomach gets so huge and tight i feel like my skin is going to rip and i can no longer see my feet! seriously looks like i'm 8 months pregnant.

i've been starting to cramp. i'm afraid that they're aunt flo cramps but i am still hoping for early pregnancy cramps. i just wish i could know now. i don't wnat to wait. there's too much stress in my life right now. and this is what matters most.

i'm afraid that it didn't work -- everything seemed to be perfect...what if i have a defective uterus? i'm not ready to consider this. i'm afriad that it did work, but will only end up in a m/c or c/p . . . i am tired of being afraid.

everything seems to be good to be true right now. . .i'm ready for the bottom to drop out. i mean hell, we're within the teacher's window too. it would be *too perfect*

i'm sorry if this seems like blabbering. . .it's hard for me to put all the anxieties and heartaches of IF into words.

Fert Report In!

2009-09-09T17:41:00.001-04:00

Out of the 15 eggs retrieved...................13 fertilized! whoot whoot!

Egg Retrieval

2009-09-08T21:05:00.002-04:00

They got 15 eggs :) Can't wait for the fert report tomorrow!

I am extreemly sore - OHSS, ER, and constipation (sorry tmi) doesn't mix well!

Not looking forward to school tomorrow. :(

IVF!!!

2009-09-06T16:24:00.002-04:00

First let me say what a crazy week it's been. It was the first week of school and Grad classes on top of my monitoring and other random nonesense.

Friday morning I went in for my monitoring appointment (btw i was shocked wednesday when they didn't tell me to trigger after last cycle's surprise 8 eggs. . .) and I had an abdomen full of great looking follies. they were going to cancel my cycle but it had already been decided that we'd be moving on to IVF. well. . .they made a bunch of phone calls and around 2 in the afternoon they called to tell me that the insurance approved it and that I was good to convert to IVF. I had to leave work and go get a crash course on Menopur and Ganirelix ... and then came back to work. Got an emergency shipment of meds. Came in Saturday morning for another monitoring appointment. Came back today (Sunday) for another. . .and egg retrieval tuesday! i then speant a few hours driving all over south jersey looking for a pharmacy who had Dostinex b/c they are concerned about OHSS. Also had to text my friend to call her mom, who happens to be my assistant pricipal, and ask her to call me b/c I didn't know if they just wanted to cancel my classes on Tuesday. Special Ed services didn't start last week, and tuesday would have been my first day with my students. and it would have been IEP assesssments anyway. so she called my principal and then called me back - they canceled my classes which is awesome b/c now i don't have to worry about creating lesson plans for a sub for kids i don't know. lol!

i'm really excited about my transition to IVF b/c I'm an extreemly anxious person and this is happening so fast I really don't have time to process what is happening, let alone get anxious about it.

if i have a 3 day transfer it'll be Friday - bed rest friday & saturday, and i may be able to make it the phillies/mets game that we have tickets for. but if we have a 5 day transfer it'll fall on sunday and there's no chance. :( don't get me wrong, i want to be a mom much more than i want to go to a baseball game, but it's most likely my last chance to get to a game this season AND it's 90 bucks blown. it would be nice to be able to do both!

anyway, i'm rambling now, and my stomach is growling. .. early dinner? i think that sounds fantastic!

previous cycle, future game plan. . .

2009-09-03T18:55:00.002-04:00

So last cycle was a BFFN. But when that phone rang. . .I knew. When I heard the nurse. . .honestly, I laughed. If I didn't get pregnant last cycle. . .IUI wasn't going to work for me.

The doctor confirmed, I definitely released 8 eggs. My lining was fantastic (17), sperm was super (78 million POST wash!), cervical mucus = perfect, lots of sex days before and after O, i was eating healthy and in a great excercise routine. . .everything was PERFECT. and BFN. (i just regret that I didn't find out sooner so i could have had A drink at cathy and mike's wedding).

so we had a WTF appointment with the doctor and he agrees that IVF is going to be our best bet. there's just too great of a possiblity that the egg and sperm aren't meeting (despite great motility). my tubes are freakishly long...the more the follies grow, the heavier they get, the lower the ovaries dip, the more curled up my tubes get. no lie, my fallopian tube lookes like a fork twirled with spaghetti.

the problem is insurance won't cover IVF until i've had at least one more failed inject/IUI cycle unless the RE can prove that it won't work. By the time he could prove it, I could have completed a cycle. so here i am injecting myself every night with needles full of FSH to then inject myself with HCG and induce pseudo pregnancy (ginormous bloating, sore boobs, morning sickness, headaches the works - the stage i was at while sausaged into my bridesmaid's dress) with no real chance of a baby. . .

after this cycle, the doctor wants to put me on BCP for a month while I get some tests done for IVF. I'm going to to go on for at least 2. Maybe 3. It seems impossible for me to loose weight, or even maintain weight, unless I'm on BCP. I'm sure it's PCOS related. I also just read recently that a woman with PCOS loosing 1 pound is equivalent to a normal person loosing 20 pounds. CRAZY. FU crazy body. stupid body. why am i broken? i want to be the healthiest i can be before starting IVF. i know it's going to be physically and emotionaly hard. and if i get a bfp, i'll be gaining baby weight, so i'd like to start at a lower weight.

**depressed**

it wasn't supposed to be this way.

brooding - edited for pissiness

2009-08-12T16:36:00.006-04:00

I'm leaving in a moment to have dinner with my BIL, SIL, and nephew. And I'm dreading it! I love them, they're my best friends. . .I just find it so hard to be around them sometimes. I had difficulty when they were pregnant with my nephew, but it wasn't as bad. We were in our second year TTC and just starting medical treatments so there was still that beginning hope. Well now they are pg with number 2, a girl, and we are at our three year anniversary of when I ditched BCP. We're going to see their 3d u/s pics tonight. . . I'm both excited and scared to see them. I hope I don't cry. I am so happy for them, I really am. It's just a constant reminder of my own inadequate ovaries. I hate what IF has done to me. The longer it takes, the more bitter I get.

What's hard is SIL is my best friend and I can't talk to her about this. Not because she won't understand but because she simply can't. I'll spare the details, but it's insulting how fertile she is. I've hidden a lot of the details from her. She doesn't realize that we were trying before they were. So when she said to me, "you'll see, when you get a BFN the first month, you just get obsessed . . ." I wanted to bitch-slap her. If she only knew. . .

I try to share with her what i'm physically going through, but she hides a lot of what she's physically going through. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Thankful, insulted, sad??? I don't know how to feel anymore.

Besides being bitter/angry, IF has brought me to many places of depression. . . I was in a wedding on Saturday and I saw pictures that people posted on FB. I could not get over how huge I have gotten. I wanted to cry. My hips barely fit in the dress. I've gained 38 pounds since ditching BCP and I feel disgusting. None of my clothes fit. I don't know what I am going to do when school starts in September. I was hoping to hold off and just by maternity clothes. . . .but it feels like i'll never get that cute baby bump, just lumpy thighs and ugly love handles...

I try to stay active, I try to eat healthy, I try to excercise regularly. . .but when there's no results, it's hard to stay good. there's no reinforcer. i mean, that's basic psychology. so it's so easy to give into my gravings during the up and down hormones of IF treaments. . .

Dave just said, "we need to get going" I shot him an evil eye, and he said "God, you're sexy when your angry" God bless him! And that's enough brooding for now anyway!

-------------------------
EDIT - I had a pretty good time (besides for being tired and hungry/nauceous). I forgot how much I love being around my nephew and I really would do anything for him. I can't wait to meet my niece, I'll love her just as much. But my antisocialness is never about that. I can't say enough how happy I am for them. I"m just really sad for us.

7dpIUI

2009-08-12T12:16:00.001-04:00

just got back from my check up

my lining was 17!!!!

she said there were 8 corpus lutea! 3 on the left and 5 on the right. does that mean i released 8 eggs?!

This makes me hopeful and scared all at the same time. . . they were small, but does that that make them any less viable if the hormones are there? could i end up being octomom? Dave had super sperm for IUI and BD'd A LOT. . . .

and it also scares me if I could have all those eggs, and all that sperm, and STILL not get a BFP. . . .

Also, I've been crampy the past few days (implantation will occur 6-10 dpo. . .) so of course i'm looking too much into that. . .
I feel like I"m getting a UTI - oh wait my mom thought I was a UTI and well and behold a BFP. . .
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE THE 2WW

another 2WW

2009-08-05T17:23:00.004-04:00

I had my IUI this morning- I was originaly scheduled for tomorrow. . .however they called me Monday afternoon and told me that my estrodiol spiked and that I couldn't stim anymore in fear of OHSS. great. my follies weren't so hot -i think one at 16 or 17, and several smaller ones. I don't really remember b/c I wasn't really paying that close attention to specifics after they said I'd need to stim at least one more night. . . stupid ADD lol

I'm actually starting to feel really good about this cycle. Besides for my underdog follie, everything seems awesome. my cm is perfect, positive opk, and DH's sperm count was 78million post-wash, 160 million pre wash! he was the talk of the RE's office this morning - so studly lol. It made me feel like crap though because it was just another reminder that it was my fault we were there.

And yesterday was our 3 year wedding anniversary <3

so besides from some uncomfortable cramping currently, I feel really good about this cycle. ::crossing my fingers::

cd4

2009-07-22T18:55:00.003-04:00

b/w & u/s yesterday showed small cyst on the left ovary. they're not worried and i'm going ahead with the follistim...but i'm slightly paranoid. we'll see if anything shows friday for the kick off of my every other day b/w & u/s routine!

good mood today

2009-07-20T18:01:00.001-04:00

I'm suprisingly optimisitc today. AF's been a b!tch this weekend. . .but I go in for cd3 b/w and u/s tomorrow. ordered my meds tonight. just hoping my left ovary isn't still enlarged. should be all systems go =)

pink

2009-07-15T07:38:00.001-04:00

14dpo - BFN and when I wiped there was pink. fanf*ntastic

overly emotional

2009-07-14T22:42:00.002-04:00

been crying all day. today i feel that i'm completely broken and won't ever have a baby born from my very own womb. tomottow is 14dpo - i'm sure it'll be a BFN. and i'm sure AF won't arrive b/c of the progesterone despite the cramps. but do i dare stop the supositories? of course not, because i'm a sucka that will hold on to any hope that i could be in fact KU.

FU IF FU!!

that is all.

11dpo

2009-07-12T20:33:00.001-04:00

BFFN today. and yesterday at 10dpo. i have tons of tests. maybe i'll just keep testing till AF arrives. . . . IF blows big gross monkey chunks!!!

7DPO/IUI

2009-07-08T20:23:00.002-04:00

i'm crampy - but that could be the enlarged left ovary . . . no jumping or twisting for me.

SUPER tired. . .been tossing and turning. i know early pregnancy can cause sleeplessness but it could be just the stress of the 2ww and then that is what is causing me to be tired. also became a tylanol pm pill popper since i wasn't sleeping. . .(one night i took 2 at bed time and then woke up at 2 am and couldn't get back to sleep so took more!!!)

super nauseous --- it's like i feel hungry and sick to my stomach at the same time. kinda like being car sick. ate a mini soft pretzel for dinner. . .

sore nipples. . .haven't started progesterone yet so hopefully that's a good sign. . ..

headaches - but that could be allergies. . .

they say everything looks good - but they called this afternoon and want me to use progesterone supositories starting tomorrow. . . yuck.

DAMN YOU INFERTILITY - Why can't i just be normal? and worry about normal pregnancy symptoms like ummm missing my period? grrrrr

vote for my shanerino!!!

2009-07-06T22:51:00.001-04:00

sperm meet egg

2009-07-01T12:38:00.002-04:00

IUI #1

dave's deposit had good number and good motility and the acutal IUI was a piece of cake. dr skaaf did it and he was really sincere about wishing me luck and being gentle with the speculum . . .lol. oh and him and the nurse gushed over my tattoo. it was funny :)

so the 2WW begins. it won't be good, i can tell you that now. i'm neurotic.

In bad news, my car got nicked in the parking lot! Enough that metal is exposed so I need to get it painted ASAP to avoid peel/rust. i'm soooo pissed! man IF must hate my car. when i left my HSG is when i got into my accident that won my car a month long stay at the shop.

excited for tomorrow :)

2009-06-30T19:41:00.002-04:00

tomorrow's the big day. . .my very first IUI. i'm excited b/c it's the first time i've been able to get to this point. the first time i'm ovulating. the first time i've seen two lines on any stick. . . my opk taken moments ago.

battle won. . .on to war :)

2009-06-29T09:33:00.003-04:00

b/w and u/s this morning.

dr said my blood work has been coming back great and everything looks good :)

most excitingly though . . . after 13 nights of follistim I have 3 large follies on the left side two around 18mm, one at 24 :)

i'm still in shock! have not produced a mature follicle yet. . .haven't ovulated in well who knows how long?

trigger tonight, celebratory bd, and IUI wednesday morning =)

defy gravity

2009-06-28T09:47:00.004-04:00

i don't want to get my hopes up but my last b/w and u/s finally showed some reaction and i've been crampy - so hopefully those follies are growing!

R- 1 @ 9x10

L - 1 @9x10 1@ 11x14 (the biggest ive ever gotten so yay)

b/w & u/s tomorrow!!!

oh and i got a tattoo yesterday. i know it's not ideal while ttc, but i've wanted it for a long time. my mental state i belive warranted it. it's "defy gravity" with a star on my foot.

not only do my feet and ankles swell with the meds i'm on, but it's puffy from the needle. so enjoy my pudgy foot :P

i need to cry. a lot.

2009-06-24T23:03:00.002-04:00

went in for a follie check....

10 days of follistim and NO F*N RESPONSE. i'm so sick of this shit. why am i broken? will i ever be able to produce an egg on my own??

dave's leaving for vegas tomorrow. i blew $350 to freeze his sperm, and i'm not going to need it. . .

went clothes shopping - i've gained so much weight from these stupid drugs. . .it was just absolutley depressing. went from s/m on top m/l on bottom to xl all around. So disgusting.

i don't want dave to leave :( i'm feeling so horrible right now, i really need him.

follie check was a bust :(

2009-06-22T19:52:00.002-04:00

Seven night of follistim and nothing!! I feel so defeated :( Friday they told me I had a 12mm follie on my right ovary, and today there's nothing greater than 10.

They're upping my dosage from 50 to 100. I go in Wednesday for sperm freeze, b/w, and u/s. Hopefullly there will be some growth.

It still REALLY sucks that Dave will be out of town when I most likely will be ovulating. I can't decide if I'm mad at him or not... If the roles were reversed, I'd stay home. But I would never expect him to give up his trip.

In good news today, I found out that a teaching position opened up for summer school so I'll be making good money :) Nervous at the same time. I hate when other adults watch me teach, and this is in the autism program where we have paraprofessionals. . . .i'll get over it :P

exhausted & blah

2009-06-18T21:42:00.001-04:00

"I feel like butter being spread over too much bread" couldn't have said it better myself Bilbo . . .

I can not wait for this school year to be over. I do teach summer school but the hours are much less and it's only a four day week. Summer session I for my masters is over, I have one week off and then it's summer session II.

I'm stressed about my IF treatments. It's my first cycle on injectables and I have no idea how my body is going to react. Tomorrow morning I have my cd6 b/w and u/s. I will be stressed if I haven't reacted because I never reacted to clomid. . .what if my body is incapable of producing an egg?!? And I will be stressed if I'm progressing (but slowly) because Dave will be out of town when I'll probably ovulate. It sucks but we're paying $300 to freeze some boys up. AND we're not going to be able to have extra sex around the IUI cycle. . .What lousy timing.

I'm depressed because I've gained 20+ pounds since starting fertility treatments. It's really nice to know that 20 - 30 pounds is the average for a lot of women who do gain weight through this. . . but it's still depressing. if my hips get any wider, i think i'll just die. but still it's more important for me to be healthy and have a baby than freak out that these meds are packing on pounds and do some stupid crash diet.

and all i want is to get to bed early for once, but i still have to wait an hour before i can do my injection. . .

let's get the ball rolling. . .

2009-06-16T23:01:00.001-04:00

I haven't blogged for a few years. . .I'm hoping it will help relieve some anxieties and stresses I've been having. Okay, and from here on out, i'm not going to worry about capitalization because my shift key stinks.

today was dave's birthday. we ordered subs and went out to see the hangover, which is the funniest movie i've ever seen in my entire life. no lie. i feel bad that we didn't do anything more exciting but we are going to the phillies game on friday and he's going to vegas in like a week (for a bachelor party ironically).

today is also cd3 and the first day of injectables. this is the source of my stress. i'm infertile. i've been going through fertility treatments for over a year now and have been ttc since we got married in august 2006. i'm pretty exhausted and i really don't feel like going into it now, but fyi: IF SUCKS.

Countdown until the last day of school: 5